You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
