Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
