I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
