I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
