I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
