was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
