I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
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I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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