I'm lost and stupid without you.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
