You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
