I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
