you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
