Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
