Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
