my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows