you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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