Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Holy shit dude........stairs
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
