your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
