girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
