Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
