Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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