The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
