I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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