So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
