she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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