I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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