pop tarts are not kleenex
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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