I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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