I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
