Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
