i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My vagina is officially offended.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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