so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
