I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
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I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
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Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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