If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
