My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
