I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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