hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
