You're completely useless in the revolution.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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