TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
