I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
