i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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