I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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