I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
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ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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