So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
