I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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