im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
