So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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