Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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