I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
