After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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