false alarm. still invincible.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
