Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
you never un-have a 4some
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize