Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You left your phone here
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