I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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